Rendezvous with her own husband
Even a completely prosperous family life is often devoid of the romance inherent in first dates. Is it possible to return her to the relationship years after the wedding?
Wheel of happiness.
“In general, everything is fine with me: my beloved and loving husband, moderately hooligan children, interesting work ... But at some point I realized that something important was missing in life. This “something” is almost beyond description. In the early years of our marriage, we lived and breathed in unison. We lived each new day together, sincerely interested in each other, and looked forward to the next ...
Over the years, it has become increasingly difficult for me to maintain in myself and my husband this “eternal flame”, while maintaining a fresh perception. The bright, unforgettable moments were replaced by a comfortable measured life, we began to drown in routine. “We stopped committing frenzy,” said one movie hero. And so are we.
At some point, I felt devastated, as if somewhere that magic crystal that had previously turned our relationship into an unforgettable series of meetings was lost. Everything is explainable: a busy schedule, children, household chores ...
An almost anecdotal episode saved our family life from decay. A few years ago, my husband suddenly felt bad, an ambulance took him to the hospital, where he spent almost two months. It happened in the summer, the children were in the country. I was very worried about my husband and ran to his hospital as if to work. After discharge, he had to spend a couple of weeks at home. One of these days he came up with a brilliant idea - to drive through the villages near Moscow in search of ... wheels from a cart. It seemed to us then that this would be an excellent design move for the living room in the country - a wheel on the wall! One weekend we went on an expedition. In the first village we came across a barn, next to which there was a half-dismantled cart and on the ground lay two wheels of our dreams. While we looked closely, which of them was better preserved, some grandfather came to us. I had to say something. The husband unexpectedly issued: "I am a theater director, and here she (here he expressively glanced at me and jabbed a finger) is the leading actress of our troupe." After these words, the man somehow started up and landed. Of course, all this was, to put it mildly, an exaggeration, because we are both engineers and have nothing to do with the theater! But in order to consolidate the effect, he (the husband) also stated that he was preparing to stage the play on a revolutionary theme and that he needed at least one wheel from the cart for decoration. It seemed to me that my grandfather was overwhelmed by this news, he meekly agreed to give both. We thanked him by promising to invite him to the premiere. They chose a wheel and drove it home. How we laughed, a little away from the barn, and then, at home, when we told this story to children and friends! This adventure brought us very close, helped us see each other in a new way and as if breathed new life into our relations ... ”
Do you remember how it all began?
Memories of the first days, months and years of life together for each couple are always shrouded in a romantic haze. Many couples believe that in their life the bouquet and candy period was the happiest. Then weekdays begin, in which there is grinding in to each other, often accompanied by dramatic experiences of partners. And you have to forget about the lightness, beauty of relationships, about the daily feeling of the holiday, which marked the very beginning of history. At the same time, you can love a person, have a passion for him, but at the same time feel some discomfort near him. Over the years, there is a danger of wallowing in quarrels and domestic conflicts.
Having a baby can also complicate the situation. Indeed, almost all the time you have to devote to the newborn, and less and less to each other.
But the essence of partnership, marital relations is not only to solve only everyday issues. It's about not to forget that parents are also close people, spouses, lovers ... It is not difficult to return the feeling of joy from communicating with each other. Family therapists recommend a universal recipe ... regularly go on dates with each other.
Return romance to a relationship.
Dating helps us to feel that life in fact consists not only of parenting and overcoming everyday difficulties. In a sense, this is a return to that sweet time of the first meetings, when we just met and were fascinated by each other.
A man can also be the initiator of such a rendezvous. Although more often all the same, the thought to return the freshness of perception to a relationship arises precisely in a woman who is more sensitive and emotional. It is she who feels a lack of greater emotional intimacy with her husband, lover, partner.
An important condition for such a meeting is to plan joint activities that you never (or long ago) have committed together. This is necessary in order to be able to see the partner in a different light, getting to know the other, up to this point, unknown to you side of his personality.
Such meetings in unusual surroundings can be improvisation. At some point, one of you wanted to walk around the city in the evening, you make another appointment at the very place where your first date took place. And then, without rushing anywhere, together walk along the well-known routes that each pair has: quiet courtyards in the center, alleys, embankments, parks. Finish the walk in your favorite cafe or restaurant.
But no less the charm of those dates that were well thought out and planned by you. By the way, it doesn’t matter at all what you will do during these hours, the main thing is that you spend them together (you can delegate the care of children to a nanny or arrange with grandparents). Also remember that the business you decided to devote several hours to should suit both of you.
It is possible, however, that for some couples an unusual, but at the same time, the most desirable pastime may be ... a family evening in front of the TV. Such quiet joys will be enjoyed, for example, by spouses who are very busy with their business and career, who rarely can afford the luxury of communicating with each other at home ... If your tastes and interests do not coincide, you can specify the details. Let's say you are a theater-goer who does not miss a single premiere, but football is closer to him. So, you buy two tickets to the theater and invite him to the performance. He is two football tickets, and together you watch the match of the century ...
In our view, intimacy always becomes the crown of a love date. A rendezvous with her own husband may not end in a sexual relationship. Except when only sex holds the couple together. If at least one of the spouses is uncomfortable or in doubt, do not insist on it.
Sexologist Sergei Agarkov believes that for spouses, the ability to maintain erotic tension in relationships and not try to revive a sex life is important, trying on, for example, the image of a fatal seducer that is not typical for you. It would rather scare a man. And half-hints, casual touches, compliments - all this will make him understand that he is the only and desired for you.
A universal recommendation for every couple: don't be lazy to date each other!
Family therapist Inna Khamitova tells in which cases meeting with her own husband will help, and in which not.
- If the couple wants to save the family, improve relations with each other even if they no longer experience love feelings for each other, but only friendships.
Dating does not work:
- • If the spouses live as guests in the same hotel and they do not have a desire to be together. This means that there is a distance between husband and wife, which they diligently maintain. She is quite happy with them. As soon as we send them on a date, say, to a restaurant, they quarrel there. This episode will only complicate their relationship. Indeed, in the heat of the proceedings, spouses may recall old grievances.
- When the relationship has already become a formality, and one of the partners decided to divorce, but has not yet announced it to another. He will go on a date, but only in order to avoid scandal.
- When there is a problem of power in the family. Partners will discount each other’s offers. After all, it is more important for each of them to be right, and not happy.
PHOTO: FOTOBANK / GETTY
TEXT: ON THE MATERIALS OF LESLIE DORMEN.