Like the first time
The situation is commented by Anna Mirzoeva, Ph.D., a psychotherapist, sexologist, and a 36-hour hotline consultant on sexual health issues.
This is your first time planning a baby
“Nothing brings together so much as joint child planning.”
Svetlana (33 years old) and her husband Mikhail (35 years old) are from Saratov. Where they just did not have sex: in a boat under the stars, and in the car. But such a pleasure, as the time when they planned a child, have never received before. “It was incredibly exciting,” recalls Sveta. - After Misha whispered: “Give me a baby”, for the first time in my life sex has acquired a new meaning. We strove for one great goal. And I began to perceive the words “making love” differently. ”
A.M .: Sex in order to conceive a child can be the most unforgettable event in your sexual experience, it literally turns your life around. Nothing brings together so much as joint child planning. In addition, the fact that you can forget about contraception gives a thrill to the sensations.
37-year-old Elena from Lipetsk recalls: “Usually we used condoms, but both of us enjoyed having sex without them. It felt like the first time we felt each other truly close. ”
A.M .: Nevertheless, no matter how exciting sex may seem for the purpose of procreation for some, it can become a planned and exhausting action for others: determination of the most favorable days for conception and lack of spontaneity. In order not to regard this as a duty, do not focus on this mission, just have fun! Sex in order to conceive a child significantly changes the emotional coloring of sexual relations. For some, the desire to have a child becomes a good background for strengthening and harmonizing sexual relationships, developing a spiritual and sensual sphere. The expectation of something new that can happen in the life of spouses gives unusual sensations, including at the physiological level. The lack of the need to protect oneself also contributes to ease, especially if one of the spouses, as a result of overly puritanical upbringing, had a conscious or unconscious feeling of guilt about having sex without the main goal of procreation. Planning a child removes all these difficulties and at the same time contributes to the normalization of sexual relationships.
The first time you have sex at your parental home
“What if parents hear?”
Even officially married couples, accustomed to living separately, feel rather awkward making love near their parents. 25-year-old Lyudmila from Rostov says: “The first night my husband and I spent in my former room in my parents’ apartment can be called awkward at best. I tried my best to prevent the bed from knocking on the wall. I was terribly afraid that our parents might hear us. And the husband was so nervous that we decided not to experiment anymore and make love only at home, in private. ”
A.M .: Sex in the parental home can cause both moral and physiological difficulties, including sexual dysfunction, especially in men. Fear of being caught by parents, and the situation itself can provoke excitement in a man, which can lead to a weakening of an erection or premature ejaculation. Sex in a crowded place, the desire to feel the views of others is one of the most common sexual fantasies that can spice up sexual relationships. But it is doubtful that the unexpected gaze of a father or mother will add the same sharpness.
Your husband is not in the mood for the first time.
"He may be depressed, unhappy with himself, or simply tired."
Before the wedding, he was always in the right mood for love. Therefore, when he first announces to you his unwillingness, it hurts a lot. 34-year-old Margarita from Yaroslavl recalls: "When he first said that he was not in the mood, I panicked, thought that he had cooled off for me or that he had another."
A.M .: A temporary lack of sexual desire in men is an absolutely normal thing, even young people can be depressed, be dissatisfied with themselves, or simply tired. If this period of “dislike” is delayed, you will need to consult a sexologist. Both of you. Although in most cases for a man, the desire to just relax at night is absolutely normal. He is not a pornstar!
For the first time, a child came into your bedroom at the most inopportune moment.
Marina from Moscow has been married for 8 years. One night, making love to her husband, she heard little steps and froze with horror. “Our four-year-old son stood in the doorway with sleepy eyes. Thank God it was dark. The husband reacted very quickly: he jumped out of bed, wrapped himself in a blanket and quickly laid down a child who had a nightmare. After the son fell asleep, we tried to continue, but I was disturbed by the fear that the child would wake up again and come running. ”
A.M .: Many couples are so afraid that a child will hear or see them, that for some time they completely stop having sex. Constant fears, caresses with an eye on the neurotic atmosphere in the house, destroy the harmony of marital relations, erect invisible borders in the house. Never let fears ruin your intimate life. Your reaction and actions depend on the age of the child. The kid may not notice anything at all, and if he does notice something, then it is enough to tell him that there is nothing wrong with what mom and dad do, they hug and kiss, because they love each other. An older child may find the explanation that parents make him a brother or sister, that when he grows up, he will do the same. Parents should not dramatize the situation, do not need to feel like criminals, and even more so avoid sexual relationships just for fear of being taken by surprise.
For the first time, you have scheduled sex
“Have you planned sex for the weekend?”
A date with your own husband is very romantic! ”
Jeanne from St. Petersburg says: “Previously, we had sex every day, even regardless of employment. But now we have become an overly “business” couple who plans sex. We work so hard that after a hard day there is no energy left for making love. We specifically set the time — Friday and Saturday evenings — to arrange romantic, passionate dates. We simply have to find the time, otherwise we’ll move away from each other. ”
A.M .: Scheduled sex is much more romantic than it seems to many. Firstly, it shows that you treasure the time you can spend together. Secondly, the opportunity arises to look forward to the deadline and make plans. All this will enhance your anticipation of evening solitude. If you think that the schedule kills romance, then think about it: after all, when you started dating, you knew very well that you would have sex only on Saturday night, for example. If you are planning sex for the weekend, this does not mean that boring times have come. The main thing is that you kept the desire in marriage. What could be more romantic?
The pace of modern life with a constant desire to earn a living and nervous overloads often does not allow you to forget about work problems even in bed, or even just gives you thoughts about how much you want to sleep. In this situation, pre-planned sex may well become a real solution to the problem, the main thing is not to forget that the background for such relationships should be unusual. A joint walk, a trip to a restaurant or just a romantic dinner will allow you to escape from everyday worries, will positively affect the sexual attraction of partners to each other.
First time after childbirth
“Of course you are worried. But try not to panic.
Over time, your body will bounce back. ”
After giving birth, Irina looked at herself in the mirror and was very afraid: “I looked at my stomach and hips and was horrified by what happened to my body. Everything has changed a lot. When my husband and I finally made love, he was very gentle, and I was trembling. ”
A.M .: If you are ready to start a sexual life, consult a gynecologist. Most often, doctors recommend abstinence up to 6-8 weeks, you just have to wait until the swelling subsides and there are no vaginal bleeding and cracks. If you experience pain or discomfort, you will have to wait a little more. Soon everything will return to normal and you will receive the same pleasure from sex.
In the postpartum period, there is often a fear of renewed sexual relations due to fear that the lesions did not heal. We must not forget that a young mother just gets tired, caring for a baby, does not get enough sleep, she may just not have time for sex. An increase in body weight can help reduce self-esteem, contribute to the appearance of uncertainty in one's own sexual attractiveness. The reasons may be not only psychological. In the postpartum period, sensations change due to the fact that the vagina during childbirth has expanded very much and for some time it remains in this state. In addition, due to this, sensitivity decreases, which in turn leads to a decrease in excitation. The feelings of a man who does not feel close physical contact due to the expansion of the vagina also change. Most importantly, the man should understand that these changes are temporary.
The first time after your mutual friend started an affair on the side
“Does your girlfriend cheat on her husband?”
The collapse of an alien union sometimes helps strengthen your own. ”
When a girlfriend of 36-year-old Tatyana from Moscow started an affair, something changed in her own life: “I succumbed to the emanating emotions and suddenly began to value my husband much more. I wanted to have sex with him almost every day, to feel closer to him. When I saw how my friend’s marriage fell apart, I began to strengthen my own. ”
A.M .: Transferring the situation to your own marriage can give a new look at the existing relationships in the family. In the face of pain and resentment that others experience from the betrayal of a loved one, a transition to a qualitatively different level of relationships is possible.